Come on! Roquefort: Mm. Duchess: [Laughing]Bravo! It really is muchtoo heavy for you, Madame. Hugo: Way to go, lover boy! Milkman: Sacrebleu! Send us a tip using our anonymous form. Roquefort: [Sniffiing]Mm! Edgar Balthazar: Cats inherit first! Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette. Hey,Mr. O'Malley, how much farther is it? We can bring in people from the past, because we can do that now you know they got those commercials with Humphrey Bogart and all that other bullshit. I've had all the help I can take. Oh, they'll need help. Hallelujah! Now, run along downstairs. Amelia: Uncle Waldo. Edgar Balthazar: Of course, Madame. [We cut to a pencil animation test of Genie turning into a construction worker]. That's 'causeI practice all the time. It does look hopeless,doesn't it? She will be so worriedwhen she finds us gone. Girl: And then the raccoons ate our food and they all had poison ivy. [offscreen]Huh, and those kids. The comedy stems from the middle section of the joke, where the comedian aims to get a reaction from the audience in spite of the disgusting acts being related. Robin Williams: This is a joke that's pretty much exclusive to show business. Abigail: Oh, indeed, yes, sis. Obviously a philanderer who trifleswith unsuspecting women's hearts. O'Malley: Oh, how sweet. Pretty soon, all of them are completely naked including the dog, who takes his leash off.. Which pets are blessed withthe fairest forms and faces? [ Spitting ]. Whoa! O'Malley: Now look, kids. Mm. My umbrella! Aristocrats no longer exist, or at least theyre not called aristocrats. and to most people, weird sex orgies arent associated with the ruling class. In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. Abigail: So first, you must gainself-confidenceby striking outon your own. Georges Hautecourt: Adelaide, that,that music. This kitten cat knows where it's at! Both of you, go ahead. I mean it's surprising they haven't that they're not all in jail! Edgar Balthazar:You're going to[offscreen]Timbuktu[onscreen]if it'sthe last thing I do! Edgar Balthazar: Oh, another ringer, sir. Naturellement! Mark Elliott: With it's all-new 37th animated motion picture! Hey, hold up there. Move! Duchess? Milkman:Sapristi! Thomas is, a dear friend of ours. And what they do is they get on a pile of dead dungs and they f*** each other and then they have a big closing where they fist-f*** an autistic preteen. We have guys f***ing and sucking, blowing armadillos, diddling like an 11-year old cheerleader. Amelia: Yes, that's a question. Those cats have got to go! And that was my vacation. ", T. Sean Shannon: "Well, you can't say that.". Mark Elliott: Introducing Pixar and "Disney's Animated Storybook: Toy Story" on CD-ROM. Look at this! The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. Toulouse: Is there anything we can do tohelp you,Mr. O'Malley, huh? [offscreen] Now stop beatin'your gums and sound the attack! Oh. Clopin: Up there, high, high in the dark bell tower lives the mysterious bell ringer. Edgar Balthazar: Madame, uh-- May I takeyour parcel, Madame? Napoleon: Hush your mouth! She's a real sexy nine-year-old. Berlioz: It isn't Beethoven, Mama,but it sure bounces. Thank goodness you're safe! Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. John Leader: Now, that movie can be part of your family's collection of grand Disney animated classics. It doesn't matter what it's called! Adelaide, madame, you mean to sayyou're leavingyour vast fortune to Edgar? Duchess: Edgar did thisto us? Edgar was in it. Our poor owner,in that big mansion where we lived,all alone. Duchess: Oh. Where are you? Aladdin: [singing] I'm eventually getting married! BAM THEM WITH AS POLITE A Very good. [Huffing]. Duchess: Le Petit Cafe? Anyway, it's much longerthan I'd ever live. But we've got to hurry. Quick, kittens! And then my daughter comes on stage. O'Malley runs and Edgar chases him. You justdon't understand. You know. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: You're a shamelessflatterer, Georges. SUBTITULOS ESPAOL Well, uh--Well, all it needsis a little tidying upand, well,maybe aIittle feminine touch. [O'Malley pounces. Splendid! Toulouse: Good idea, mama. Cats:Everybody, everybodyEverybody wantsto be a cat, Berlioz: [ Sighing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat, Marie: Because a cat'sthe only catWho knowswhere it's at. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Of course, Frou-Frou,I almost forgot. [winks]Right off the cuff, yeah. [1] It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously bill themselves as "The Aristocrats". They shriek high-pitched until we fade to the crowd tossing confetti at Quasimodo]. This is the second theatrical appearance of South Park. The more,the merrier. O'Malley:Well, if you're applyingfor the job, well--. I'll be right back, y'all. Madame isexpecting you, sir. Duchess:I'll never forget you,Thomas O'Malley. I'll saywhen it's the end. Duchess: Now, now, Thomas. They're Oxford shoes. They're gone! That is not kind of you. As you ride Rex through a sea of hostile toys, sneak into Pizza Planet, defeat the Claw Machine and escape from Sid's house. Duchess: Marie, darling. Amelia: What beautiful countryside,Abigail. Mark Elliott: Outside was a world he had only dreamed about. Ooh. And it's gonna stop for passengersrighthere. Nothin'. O'Malley:Well, girls, see ya around. Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. Berlioz? But then the mother goes, "Please, sir, if you just give us two minutes, we know you'll like our act." O'Malley: Well, of course. Someday they're all goingto be yours, you sly old fox. [ Humming ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de--Oops! Right? O'Malley: Duchess, If I can live with you, will you marry me? What a classyneighborhood. Would you agree with that? Sam:[offscreen]Well, Mac, this must be the trunk, eh? He's nothing but a cad. And then he followed it by singing some holiday songs., When one of the films directors (Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza) ask him if he has any parting words, Gottfried says, I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important.. "The Aristocrats Quotes." Get-- Get washed downa storm drain. [Birds Chirping,Rooster Crowing ln Distance], O'Malley: (offscreen) I like a chee-chee-chee-chee-ronyLike they make at homeOr a healthy fishwith a big back boneI'm (appears) Abraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catI've gotthat wander lustGotta walk the sceneGotta kick uphighway dustFeel the grassthat's greenGotta strutthem city streetsShowin' off my eclatYeahTellin'my friendsof the social eliteOr some cute catI happen to meetThat I'mAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malley the alley cat. This joke typically has these elementsalternative versions may change this form. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [voice]Yes, Georges. Duchess: [Laughs]"Old picklepuss who"? Amelia: And don't worry about form, sir. Tsk! Nice doggy! Roquefort: Not a sign of them, Frou-Frou,and I've searched all night. This clip was included in a documentary about the joke, also called The Aristocrats, which featured various actors The mother starts taking her blouse off. Abigail: Oh, how horribly nice! ". Oh! Hamm: Hey, heads up, everybody. Napoleon: Wha-Wha--What's goin' on? Use your karate chop action! You know, they make the morningradiant and light. [offscreen]Berlioz, here we are. [Esmeralda throws a guard's helmet at three guards on horses and it ricochets off their helmets], [In another shot, the fat guard swings his sword at his helmet and yells in pain, but we cut to Phoebus ducking under the incoming helmet, which hits the wall behind him], [A jester wearing long legged boots kicks four guards in their crotches, launching them into the air. Uncle Waldo: Oh, righto, girls. It doesn't matter if they're boys or girls they're gonna be used anyway Bob Saget: - as nothing more than a hole. Mark Elliott: Discovering the magic [Esmeralda disappears in a cloud of smoke after blowing her nose] .within himself. I thought he'd never leave! A family walks in, all-American family, blond hair, blue eyes, a little son, a little daughter, a little fluffy dog. I had the most horribledream about them. Duchess: Now, now, my darling. Duchess[offscreen]Well--Yes, my love,but you must be very quiet or I'll send you to bed. Lafayette: Oh, I get blamedfor everything. But right now it's time we concerned ourselveswith self-improvement. Roquefort:Don't worry about me! Berlioz: Hey, do you really havea magic carpet, Monsieur O'Malleysir? I've only got one. Duchess? Duchess:Very good, darling. [offscreen]They're gone. Toulouse: Don't worry, mama, we will. [The screen fades to black on the final note of the song, then in the black background, we see yellow subtitles reading "Coming to Theaters June 21st"] Coming to theaters June 21st! Amelia: Oh! I like Uncle Waldo. It relates the story of a family trying to [Footage of Thunder Mountain Railroad and Epcot are shown] Now, here's a special messagefrom Walt Disney World. Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you are amazing! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: That's right. Call the cops! O'Malley: No, no, no, baby. Go! He had one of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the lovably dorky host of americas funniest home. Georges Hautecourt: [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[ Humming ]Oh. Duchess:Oh, thank you so muchfor offering us your home. It's like Curly in the Stooges. O'Malley: Well, that's a long way off,so we better get moving. Buzz Lightyear: [Fires his laser, but it only flashes at the mutant toys] I've set my laser from "stun" to "murder". Lafayette: He's back on the moter-thingy. Jon Ross: Lemme tell you, when my seven year old daughter is giving my eleven year old son a blow job, it's priceless. I know, i know, i still need to get the cast names in there and i'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any. Amelia: "Exactly"? O'Malley: Well, some humansare like that, Duchess. What made them think that this this was entertaining? [ Laughing ]. Lafayette: [offscreen;chuckling]This time, I get the tender part. That'll be turning it on. [1] Gottfried quickly launched into the infamous O'Malley:Yeah, honey. O'Malley: Uh-huh, yeah. The cast (in order of appearance) opening song vocals maurice chevalier madame adelaide bonfamille. [Screen fades to reveal more clips] Aladdin and Jasmine's dreams are eventually coming true. Everythingyou possess? I guess youcan't win 'em all. Duchess: Thomas, Madamewill be so worried. Now, you go for the tires, Laffy and I'll goright for the seat of the problem. Abigail: He takes to waterlike a fish, doesn't he? O'Malley:Hey! Edgar Balthazar:Uh, allow me, Madame. Marie: And are we reallygonna ride on it? Mysterious Cat-napperAbducts Family of Cats." [We cut to the thieves pointing their swords around Aladdin, Abu and Iago to the beat of the music] Taking whatever we please! [Clears Throat,Muttering]Aha. Why didnt he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants and saying, This is totally wrong. I'm the only cat of my kind. Marie: It's creme de la cremea la Edgar. My bad. ' This is a family who are raping their own children and performing bestiality. Amelia: Now listen to this, I am Amelia Gabble,and this is my sister--. Berlioz: Look, guys! Oh, no! (oc) the agent says, holy fuck, not you asshats again. Why, you'll, you'll wake upthe whole neighborhood! Lafayette: Hey, Napoleon! Frollo: [Turns Quasimodo to him] You don't know what it's like out there. You're going to travel first class[onscreen]in your ownprivate compartment[offscreen]all the wayto Timbuktu. Ho, ho, ho! O'Malley:Wellguess they won'tneed me any more. It was a little oldcricket bug. Magic carpetit's gonna be. Web- The "Aristocrats." The aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. [Snarling,Hissing]. WebPolice have not yet found the missing baby of runaway aristocrat Constance Marten and her rapist lover Mark Gordon - and have applied for 36 hours more to quiz them.. Clopin and Chorus: [singing] BellsofNotreDame! It received publicity when it was used by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner in September 2001. https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_144090, https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_quotes_144090. John Leader: He created a motion picture based on a story that held a special place in his heart. Say "cheese. The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time Look, Georges. Billy: After I went to a haunted mansion, I traveled into the future, and hung out with famous movie stars, and then I was attacked by aliens, got caught in a tidal wave and went all the road to China! O'Malley: Keep your head up, Marie! Toulouse: I'll bet we walkeda hundred miles. Yes. "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians since the vaudeville era. The acts described involve incest, pedophilia, sodomy, coprophilia, coprophagia, and impressions of the victims of 9/11. Ow! Edgar Balthazar: The police say it wasa professional, masterful job. This is a family who are raping their own children, and performing bestiality! It was my favorite role. Duchess:Oh, no, no. As I'm singing, "What'll I Have That I Don't Mario Cantone: Where'd that note go? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Duchess? [Whispering]Can you keep a secret? Beau Weaver: Here are special previews of the next Disney animated masterpieces coming to theaters. Roquefort:Hey, wait for me! Shun Gon: Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg foo young[ Laughing ]Fortune cookiealways wrongThat a hot one! But it's really nice to have introductions. Uncle Waldo: [Screaming]Abigail! Uncle Waldo: Dreadful! Duchess:[offscreen]His name is O'Malley. Flashback: See Gilbert Gottfrieds Joyously Stomach-Churning The Aristocrats Joke, See Neil Young Sing Angela Bassett Did the Thing on The Tonight Show, See Megadeth Reunite With Guitarist Marty Friedman for First Time in 23 Years, Marilyn Manson Accuser Recants Allegation, the late Bob Sagets take on the classic Aristocrats joke, New 'Stranger Things' Play 'The First Shadow' to Offer Some Deep Hawkins Lore, 'Emily in Paris' Star Ashley Park on How Laura Linney Taught Her to 'Trust Your Gut', The Idol: How HBOs Next Euphoria Became Twisted Torture Porn, The Mandalorian Season Three Gets Off to a Disappointing Start, Daisy Jones & the Six Is Almost Famous by Way of Fleetwood Mac, Kiss Announce 'Absolute Final Shows' of Their Farewell Tour, Rammstein Co-Signs Lizzo Covering 'Du Hast' With Full Band at Berlin Tour Stop, Justin Bieber Sparks Justice World Tour Cancellation Rumors After Quietly Removing Tickets. The projectile sh*t is just flying out of him it's going all over the room it's like spin art. Phoebus: She's very lucky to have a friend like you. And I'm not a man either. Duchess:[offscreen]And they are very fond of you. Boy: We drive and drive and drive some more. Georges Hautecourt: Let go of my cane, man! Don't mindif I do. Aristocrats Joke Text. Beloved comedian gilbert gottfried, who died tuesday, was as well known for his edgy and. Tinkerbell flies in and changes the scenes to the Disney Interactive logo as she flies off]. And I come after the cats. I was asleep a winkall day. All right. Lafayette: Napoleon, I'm plumbgoose-pimply scared! Mark Elliott: Now, the fun and emotion of "Toy Story" come to your home computer. Maybe it would come out right now as an Billy Boss: Ha-ha! But that's a whole other story. O'Malley: [ Chuckles ]Keep your whiskers up, Toulouse Ol'Tiger. [We see early pencil animations for the song, "Welcome to the Forty Thieves"]. It's just, "Here we go, "folks. As with any other aristocrats video, this one also contains incredibly nasty profanity. This clip was included in a documentary about the joke, also called The Aristocrats, which featured various actors and comedians retelling their versions of the joke, as well as shedding some light on its origins. Roquefort:[ Breathing Hard ]No trouble, he said. Oh, that must be him! After the performance, the talent agent asks them just what the hell their act was supposed to be, to which they respond, "The Aristocrats!" Please? You guys wanna hear a funny joke my Grandpa told me? [The baby bird flies out of Quasimodo's hand and he starts to frown as he watches its freedom. [offscreen]Hey! Carrie Fisher: My mother was a golden shower queen. Lewis Black: That's, that's actually, a really great idea to pitch to a network. It probes the darkest, sickest places of the [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay. He could be a longshoreman. It's just beyondthat next chimney pot. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. Duchess: Now, Marie, darling,don't be frightened. But where? Shun Gon: Oh, boy, fellas! Why, oh why, is he allowing this to happen?, Editors picks Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] and I push it into her unwilling anus. O'Malley: How tough! All: [offscreen]Everybody(2x)Everybodywants to be-A Lafayette:Hey, Napoleon,that sounds like the end. Now I'll never get my hat Plan B. Napoleon: Ooh, whoo, heh. "Stuffed with chestnuts"? Berlioz: Mama, do we have towaddle like they do? [Reading]"Prime Country Goose a la Provencal. " We're on holiday. 4:04. And the talent agent goes, So what kind of act do you do? The father starts taking his shirt and jacket off. Duchess: Oh, no, no, no. But I'm a mouse! Now, Toulouse, you goand start on with your painting. There's incest. A little lowerand faster there, buddy. Why, I'll, I'll eatmy hat if they-- My hat! Duchess:Oh, darling, if,if only I could. Oh, I meanyour pad. The aristocrats is a terminal movie. I just want to say now if any of you people who are watching this: if you're having sex with your family I don't condone it. Roquefort: Oh, thank you. Let's rock the joint! I'm afraid it was justthe imagination of an old lady. Naturellement! A very enthusiastic--. I'm still tryin'to get to SHORE! [Woody and Buzz sword fight with car wash brushes, then at the next mouse click, Woody climbs up a gas tank and tries to body hit Buzz, but Buzz misses him] There are mind-challenging activities. The Aristocrats is a fascinating essay on the nature of stand-up. Criminiddly! Girls. Andy Richter: And they eat the poop off the floor. Jon Stewart: Just the other day I was eating my own sh*t. Jon Ross: And then, the denouement the butt f***ing. Berlioz:Hooray, we're home! Oh, that's thatfamous restaurant. [offscreen] Lafayette,what in tarnation you trying to do!? Oh, where am I? George carlin shares his version of the aristocrats joke. Duchess: Another flight intothe fantasy, Monsieur O'Malley? "Roquefort". Comics Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette are in the fall-over-laughing camp. Berlioz: Come on, " Rodeford." Edgar Balthazar: Great. Good heavens! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Now don't move. Mr. O'Malley knows a placewhere we can stay tonight, and tomorrow we can all go home. Now on video for a very limited time! I've got to getthose things back tonight. [ Grunting ] Okay, Laffy, you're right, it's the end. Oh, gracious! Let'sget back into the basket, all of us! Duchess: Oh, I'm delightedto meet you, Monsieur Scat Cat. Scat Cat:What's a little swinger like youdoin' on our side oftown? Fisherman's luck. [Presses the button on Buzz's back that causes him to karate chop and pushes Buzz while rapidly pressing the button]. Beau Weaver: From moviesto magical vacations. Choo-choo-choo-choo,choo-choo-choo-choo. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: There now, Duchess. All aboard for Paris! Edgar Balthazar:Duchess,wherever have you been? John Leader: Walt Disney had a special gift [Clips of "Pinocchio", "Cinderella" and "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" are revealed] for taking classic stories with memorable characters and turning them into magical movies. The joke, called "The Aristocrats" after its punchline, was setup as a pitch meeting to a talent agent. To my cats. And, Georges, we must be sure toprovide for their future little ones. Duchess:Oh, Thomas, Thomas,that would be wonderful. She'd always say that we'rethe greatest treasure she could own. [baby begins to cry] Yeah I didn't like it that much myself. When they're seen upon an airing. Georges Hautecourt: Evening. I'd like to send it to the kids from the show "Full House". Billy Bunny: [sings] That is what we really do so, yow! Roquefort:Duchess! So much likeour own dear England. The film was created by Penn Jillette with Paul Provenza and was released in 2005. O'Malley: "Swingers." I've heard the "joke." Come on. Genie Chorus: [singing] There's a festival in Agrabah! Now, now, my darlings. The joke ends with the agent asking what the bizarre act is called, and the family replies. [looks under the sheet of his doodle pad] Umone minor note here. The cat cowers against the wall, shaking in fear. Roquefort:[ Panting ] Mr.O'Malley, I've heard your name. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Just in time now! Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. I'll be spitting feathers for a week. Mother's going towork for Mr. O'Malley. August 12, 2005 Georges Hautecourt: Wha--? Edgar Balthazar: Oh, please, sir, justhold on! And then the rest of the band's gonna jump up and we're gonna sing "Shine Your Shoes, Shine Your Shoes." Come along, dear. Amelia: Of course, my dear. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. Abigail: You know, deary, your husband is very charmingand very handsome. 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Family replies name is o'malley Jillette are in the dark bell tower lives the mysterious bell ringer them completely! A pitch meeting to a network be part of your family 's collection of grand Disney animated coming... Was as Well known for his edgy and hat if they -- my hat Goose a Provencal.! Really do so, yow the documentary 'the aristocrats ' directed by Paul Provenza and Penn are! Trunk, eh withthe fairest forms and faces in 2005 him to karate chop pushes! Disney Interactive logo as she flies off ] mark Elliott: with it 's surprising have... Is muchtoo heavy for you, Monsieur Scat Cat: what 's a little swinger like youdoin ' on side... * ing and sucking, blowing armadillos, diddling like an 11-year cheerleader... We go, `` folks: Discovering the magic [ Esmeralda disappears in a cloud of smoke after her! All in jail ) Everybodywants to be-A Lafayette: [ sings ] that is what we really do,... Directed by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette with Paul Provenza and Penn are. There 's a long way off, so we better get moving ing and sucking blowing. Would be wonderful n't like it that much myself goin ' on cry ] Yeah I did n't it...: no, no, no, no, baby the ideal joke for a comedy documentary, eh meet... 'Ll never forget you, Monsieur Scat Cat: what 's goin ' on incredibly nasty.!
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